Opening up and saying how you really feel about things is scary for everyone sometimes, it’s making yourself vulnerable, and you are no longer in control of how you appear.
I still find this incredibly difficult and, if I’m honest, I suck at emotional issues. My theory is quite often denial; if you don’t talk about it then it’s not happening. You can’t go through life like this though can you? I’m human, not robot! The problem is that it has been just me and my eating disorder for so long – a team of self destruction. Ten years together, lying, cheating, and secretly hating myself. It’s no wonder that I find it so hard to let go and have enough trust in someone else to be brutally honest about how I feel.
It’s not that I’m devoid of all human emotion, it’s just that I’m not used to expressing anything other than ‘I’m fine’, and ignoring situations. I avoided really letting people get to know me for ages because I did like them, and I knew I would hurt them. That’s just the way it was during recovery. So when you finally get to the point where there is a part of your mind now free to allow you to feel, it’s so hard to know what to do with it.
Letting go of the emotionless control freak I have been for so long is not easy, but has to be done. I often walk away from situations knowing that I have been so uptight and blank, yet also knowing that’s not how I meant it to be. Something has to give, and that’s going to leave me vulnerable, just like everyone else. But if I don’t do it now I’ll probably regret it for the rest of my life.
We all need a bit of security, it’s only natural. But there will be people you can trust, and when you find them you need to hang on to them… Sometimes that means allowing yourself to let go of some of that control and just roll with it. Let your emotions show and don’t miss out on the true meanings of life!